31.12.12

And so it's the last day of the year. 

So much has happened since the last I blogged.

Bitter sweet memories.. 

Basically to run you through. I've finished my major exam, SPM about a month ago. I've had prom, 1 week ago. I've had my first trip with friends to Genting and sat on a roller coaster for the first time in my life, that was 2 weeks ago. I spent Christmas Eve with someone special. I spent Christmas playing the piano for an event in my church. Currently, I'm preparing to go to GLO, which is a Christian Bible Camp or something like that. It's a 6 weeks kinda thing and I'm not really prepared to go honestly. 

I remembered the day I finished my last exam paper. The subject was Chinese, typical. The amount of joy cursing through my veins the moment the clock ticked its final seconds. Nothing could compare to the amount of happiness I felt that day. No more studying I told myself, not anymore. Not after studying so bloody hard for more than half a year. I remembered rushing back home without a sigh nor care about the paper I had just sat for. I remembered eating my lunch so very happily. I remembered throwing all my books away. The joy! I remembered touching the keys of the laptop so lovingly. It has been awhile.. I was free again. 

Prom. The headache. I tell you this, I'm never ever doing an event ever again if I hate the people I work with. Seriously, I couldn't ask for "better" committee members. Who gives a damn about teamwork I ask you. No one. Talking bad behind my back. Saying I've never done enough but in the end you can't even do your part. Laughs. I have spite for everyone of them. I smile, but deep inside I'm cringing. We had financial issues. Big financial issues. Why? You ask me. We, oh wait, correction, they couldn't sell all the tickets. And I had only gave each one 10 tickets to sell. 10. Not 100. Not 1000. But 10. Can you feel my anger now? I have lots to be frustrated off. Prom night was not fun and games for me. There they were enjoying while I was doing what? Counting money, figuring out how much we were in debt. For goodness sake, it's my dad paying the f**king bill not your dad, not his dad or her dad. We didn't cover our expenses in the end. It wasn't my fault. I did my part. How did I settle the remainder 1k we owed the hotel. Well, my dad paid for it. Where were the other committee members who didn't do their job and owed me money. They disappeared. Just like that. Not a word. Don't even bother to ask me how were we gonna settle the money. Didn't even bother to thank me if they knew I paid for the remainder cash. I'm debating with myself whether I should just call them up and demand my money back because they aren't replying my text. Should I? I won't be around any longer. 

Genting was amazing. I love roller coasters. I seriously do. I wanna go again. :( 

Christmas will forever be Christmas. This year's choir performance, the songs were nice but dynamic wise, not so there yet. Could've been better but it was okay. :)

I should stop writing now. 

Tata. 

xoxo

10 Days Countdown Starts..

Now. 

Piano exam coming up this 31st July. Am unnerved by it.

Haven't achieved perfection yet. 

Still mistakes repeated over and over.

Practice?

Bah! It's not helping now at this point. 

I've got a feeling I'll fail. 

xoxo

Making Myself Feel Better

I'm having a rather weird/crazy week.

Funny thoughts keep popping up in my head.

Feel especially vulnerable now.

Insecurity haunts me.

I feel worthless and unsatisfied with myself.

Could use a little motivation now.

My brain's constantly putting me down.

Gonna explode soon.

Might sleep early tonight.

#JustAnotherDay

xoxo

Hot & Cold

I'm finally feeling like I fit in.

Then I don't.

I'm finally feeling like I understand you guys better. 

Then I don't.

I'm finally feeling I can communicate better now.

Then I don't.

It's this hot and cold feeling that I hate.

I always have this feeling that I'm a step away from getting close to you. Just one step. Somehow that last step always seems so hard. 

When I'm brave enough to move forward, all things start going backwards. It's like a mistake I never knew I made. 

3 steps forward 1 step back? 

Nahhh... It feels more like 3 steps forward 4 steps back.

Sometimes I get so frustrated I just give up trying. 

No more trying to be like them. No more trying to fit in. No more pretentiousness. Just be yourself.

But I don't like to be alone. Nobody does.

The "outstanding" one. The "different" kid. 

I wanna be a somebody not a nobody. 

But not all things go my way. 

Life. As it is. 

#StayingPositive 

xoxo

Troublesome

Grandparents are staying over at my place today.

Ain't happy about it.

Not that I don't love them or anything, just don't like it that they're coming over to stay.

It's as if my privacy is being taken away.

They're sleeping in my room.

Why don't we have a bigger house, seriously.. 

Then we'll all be happy. 

They brought durian with them. 

That's the up side.

 xoxo

Heat

The heat is getting harder and harder to bear.

Each passing day is as if a year had just pass.

No longer will you sit under a fan and feel reasonably comfortable. No longer will you wear a singlet and shorts and feel the wind blowing through your light cotton clothes. 

Now you need air conditioner and even shorter singlets and shorts. Wait, you don't even need to wear anything. Just saying. 

As I type this, beads of sweat are trailing down my forehead unto my arms and so on. 

I am sticky and smelly. 

Ahhh.. Blame the pollution and blame mankind for all their destruction. 

Save Mother Earth you dumb people! 

Don't drive, walk! 

Don't cut down immature trees, cut.. Don't cut anything! 

Don't breathe! Un-breathe. :) (Breathing produces more Carbon Dioxide) 

You get my point. 

Now do your part! 

SAVE THE PLANET. 

xoxo

Pool & Beer

Had an great dinner tonight at my cousin's restaurant. 

Didn't actually planned to go there at first but due to certain consequences, we ended up there. 

The shop's located in TTDI Jaya. In this newly open mall, Space U8 eco mall. Its location is kinda horrible because all you can see there is factories after factories. Secluded. Dark. You get my point. And the mall area doesn't look like a mall. (Just saying.) BUT.

My cousin's restaurant is amazing. The deco may seem a little lacking in some areas but put all the weird and funny places together and it looks good. :) The food is fairly good. The best part of the whole restaurant is that it's partly food & dining area and partly a pub, with a bar and a pool table. 

Plates is the name of the restaurant & Bottles is the name of the pub. 

*They serve beer only. What you expect? Shah Alam mah.. :P

If you're stuck in Shah Alam with nowhere else to go. Dude, you have to drop by here. Seriously. A quiet place to chill out with ya' buddies. (Y)

GO SUPPORT! :) 

xoxo

Time Travel

2 days more till holidays are over.

I wanna time travel. 

Back to last last Monday. 

Time passes too fast.

I haven't done anything meaningful. Yet.

Saturday & Sunday please pass slower. 

Please & TQ. :)

CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME HOME OMG. <3

P.s, recently created twitter. Follow me? @XJlicious (I was bored.)

xoxo

Welcome Back, Love

It's been awhile. I haven't been blogging much lately. 

Because. 

There's nothing to blog about. Dude, exams aren't really that interesting you know. 

I did really awesomely terrible at Biology if you must know. 

Am in a friend's house now trying not to freak out. 

I kinda am not suppose to be here.

Why? Good question. I have tuition tomorrow. I can't skip according to my parents. So that practically sums up my day. 

Am anxious and paranoid. 

Sleepy too.

#ExpectingTheWorse

xoxo

Cravings

I'm in the midst of studying History. Islam history. & I'm craving for McD and Milo.

So tempting..

Imagine biting into that whole juicy goodness.

The flavour.

The sweet smelling aroma.

I want it so bad. :( 

Someone get it for me? Please? 

#ContinuesStudyingHistoryLikeNoTomorrow

xoxo

Procrastination

I is procrastinating.

It is bad.

Am soon gonna suffer the consequences. 

Addmaths project. Mid-term exams. Biology project. 

I is dead.

Laziness has overcome my body. Thus, I cannot win. I fight the losing battle. (This is just epic crap.)

Can't wait for the holidays. 

I is in need of new purse. 

I is in need of new heels.

I is always in need of new things. 

Need.To.Go.Shopping. *sighs*

Stumbled on this picture & it brought back memories. :)

#DyingInMyAwesomeEpicFailure

xoxo

Falling Apart

My dog died. 

It took me awhile to get this sentence out. This three dreaded words. 

The first few days of her death was horrible. Literally horrible. 

I cried at home. In my room. In school. In the classroom.

Yea' it was really really bad.

She died on the 11th of April. Slightly a week ago. It was a Wednesday.

I went back hometown to visit my sick grandpa.

She was already quite sick at that time, coughing, wheezing, everything. I didn't pay attention to her as usual. I thought it was normal, it didn't matter, she was like that often. 

When I came back the next day I saw her on the ground. Lying ever so still. I was in the car then. My dad was the first to noticed. He said: "Your dog's dead. She's not moving." I laughed really loud back then. I wasn't gonna fall for it. My dad was just pulling my leg. But that was before I came out of the car. My dad open the front gate and I walked closer to my dog whom I thought wasn't dead, all the while calling her name. "Melody! Darling! Darling! DARLING.." She didn't move neither did she get up. Her back was facing me so I couldn't see properly. She was lying in her pile of waste. Houseflies surrounded her. She was dirty, smelly and yucky. Yet she didn't move. Not a bit. I panicked. I ran the other way around the parked car, my mom's car was parked inside the house, to see clearly. And I did see clearly.

I saw her. 

Her white big eyes, opened. 

Cautiously I moved forward not believing my eyes. Her limbs were stiff. Suddenly it just clicked. She was dead. She really was dead. It wasn't a joke anymore. Nothing was. My hands went cold. My heart stopped. I didn't know what to feel. The only thing I wanted to do was cry. 

Slowly I dragged my ragged form into my room. Threw myself on the bed and the tears started pouring automatically. It hurt alot. Honestly.. 

When I thought I was okay more tears came. Memories, flashbacks.. 

The times she sat by my piano to watch me play it. The times she curled up by my side to let me pet her. The times she played fetch with me. 

Now it's just gone. No more. 

No more calling her 'Fat pig'. No more 'Retard dog'. No more.. 

I miss her. Until now.. 

I thought I've gotten over it. But I guess not.. 

Am crying all over again. 

I want my dog back. 

'No more pictures please!'

'What ya gonna do with me' look. :P

Sexy Ass <3

#MissingHerLikeThere'sNoTomorrow

xoxo

I CAN BE A MOM

I can cook dude. Like seriously. 

I've been cooking instant noodles for myself this past week. 

And just today, I fried myself an egg. 

AN EGG.

It didn't look as good as this, it was more retarded but whatever. 

A huge achievement for someone like me who hardly ever steps in the kitchen.

I'm so proud of myself. :) :)

Although the egg kinda lack a whee bit more of oil, I was still happy that I didn't burn it. 

I worried it might turn black the instant I put it into the pan. So yea..

Am proud. 

Haha.

My future daughter is so blessed to have me as her mother. <3 

#EnjoyingLifeToItsFullest

P.s. Easter's coming soon. Good Friday's tomorrow.

xoxo

Cross Country meets Drama

It's the 23rd of March. 

Merentas Desa, cross country. A 4km run for the girls.

Considered a short path but painful.

Since I hardly ever work out. I'm super darn lazy. I can just sit in one corner and rot. I'm not joking.

This is my final year running a cross country race. 

It was.. funny. A strange experience. 

Well, it started off well. 

I was okay at 7:30 in the morning. Really fine. Not nervous. Happy. 

Then came 8:00a.m.. I started getting nervous. I started drinking more water, no idea why I did that but I did. It was a bad decision I came to find out later. 

8:30a.m. arrived and I wonder when they were starting. Beads of sweat trailed the sides of my sun-blocked face. ( I was told later I look like a ghost. The sunscreen lotion was too white. )

8:45a.m. They made us do warm ups. 

9:00a.m. The race began.

So as I was saying.. I drank lots of water. So.. After you drink too much water what's the next thing you wanna do? Pee, obviously. And that's why I regretted it. I wanted to pee the whole time I was running, and walking. Ha ha. Funny right? 

The worse part was that I got myself a blister behind my heel. Some luck. Was forced to walk/limp/jog through the next 2.5km left. 

The skin behind my heel was peeling when I reached the end but I'm grateful. Got myself 21st place. Not bad for an amateur.Was aiming for top 20 but missed by one spot. Oh wells.. 

Oh yea, and Red House came in last again this year. Blue house took the title. 

Take 1 

Take 2 

Take 3 & a half.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I joined this drama competition.

Our class did. It wasn't my idea. 

 

I'm playing lead. Or half lead.

And we're almost screwed up.

Competition is in 3days time -in Taman Sea- and we still haven't got our lines right. Especially since I'm the one talking the most.

Yasmin and Wei Ni wrote the script.

Somehow I became the tomboy who always scolds people and bashes people up because they're mean to me.

Other people aren't turning up for practices and it pisses everyone(those who come) off. 

I'm tired. 

Need to rest.

#StressingAboutTomorrow

xoxo

Growing Up

I stumbled upon a memory. A memory of me as a kid. 

I was as innocent as the breeze. As carefree as a bird. As lively as.. 

You get the point. 

Ahh.. That was me, a while back. 

I remembered I used to say: "I don't give a damn about what other people think. I'm just gonna grow up with my own speed. I don't care about how immature I am as long as I feel good about myself." 

Well, that's not true. 

You can't do that. 

Not in this world.

If you think you can, you're just lying to yourself. 

At 17, you're forced to think about your future. Your career. Your life ahead of you. Where to further your studies, how? What course? Which college & after that what uni? 

You start thinking about all the possibilities. 

You think of death. (Not always, but once in awhile. Say you haven't and I'll call you a liar.) 

You can't simply just go around all childish-ly and expect the world to treat you kind. Life ain't no cheerful rainbow. 

The fact is, you need to grow up. 

It's the cycle of life. 

You can't keep hiding or shunning away from it like a coward. You'll eventually have to face it one day or another. 

Honestly, there are times when I feel that my friends have it too easy. 

What being childish. Hell, they don't even care. They giggle like kids, smile like kids, even the topics discussed are mostly childish. 

I dare not tell them in fear that they might call me "high & mighty" and say stuff like "oh she thinks she's so mature now eh.." 

I prefer less problems than more. 

My grandfather's accident was a wake up call. 

Will be visiting him this Saturday. Might miss church again. 

#NeedToGrowUpSoon

xoxo

The Sunny Breeze

This constant urge for me to post something, to write something. Unbearable. 

So here I am again, blogging. 

This week of holidays have been okay. So far. Half of my week has been spent reading a book. I'm not complaining. It is a good book. "Game of Thrones" by George R.R.Martin. Other than that, I haven't been doing anything of used. No beneficial activities, no camping (not that I like camping), no outings. Nothing. Nada. I must admit it's better that way, more rest, after that horrible exam. I went a whole week with not more than 4 hours of sleep per day. Crazy. Thank God it's over. As I was saying, that horrible exam got me into a horrible flu which led to a horrible cough. Till now I'm still coughing, a whole week already. *sighs* 

Holidays. 

I'm stuck on what to write for an essay competition.

"10 things I will do for Malaysia if I become a celebrity".

Awful topic really. 

I have hardly a clue on what to write. That's a joke. What I meant was, I have no positive things to write about & the title hardly appeals to me. At all..

However, my dad stumbled on this other writing competition which had a rather more interesting topic.

"Be careful what you wish for"

400-1000 words.

Dateline's in April. Not sure if I can make it. 

I don't even have a plot yet. Help? 

I can't start.

Darn lazy now.

Am in full blown pig motion now. Can't seem to want to do anything more than eat, sleep and read.

And school's starting soon. 

In 3 days. 

xoxo 

I Am

I am: yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost.


Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.


I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;
There to abide with my creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;
The grass below--above the vaulted sky. 


                                                   - John Clare

So glad this' over.

First term, done. 

xoxo

Disgust

I didn't know he would swoop to that kind of level just to please them.

Singing a birthday song to some random junior I don't know? 

 

It's none of my concerns.

I shouldn't feel anything. But I do. 

Irritation, yes, that's the word.

Not just me, but all of us. A bunch of us.

You think we're proud? 

We're not mixing with the "kids". Being "nice" to them.

Probably. I actually feel quite inferior to them. They're nothing to me.

For goodness sake, they're just juniors. Is it even worth your time?

If they were the type who had some humbleness in them then I think it'll be worth my time. 

You should open your eyes. Watch the way they act, their body language. It's obvious they're LOA. 

 Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're the one craving attention.

I don't know. I'm not you.

Sorry for being harsh but it's a fact that nobody's willing to tell you. 

Dude, we're friends. I care. 

But everything else set aside. I meant what I said last night. You do what feels right. People who are haters will always be haters. No point trying to please them. 

After this post I solemnly promise I won't speak about this issue anymore.

Ps. I feel brave for doing this. ( It's a blog fyi. ) ._.

xoxo

Complications

I thought my life sucked.

But I never knew her life sucked even more.

Rougher than mine.

Less pleasurable to walk.

More tears.

And more heartaches.

I should start learning to be grateful.

When you think you're the only one who's having troubles..

Know that there are other people out there who are going through the same issues.

Day in day out.

Complications.

Can be sorted out.

If we learn to trust.

Learn to pray.

Thus, we'll be delievered.

From all evil and mishaps.

 Trust.

xoxo

Happy V Day

Yes yes, I know you're excited. It's Valentines Day. 

The flowers, the chocolates, the cookies, the cards. 

All the things in red. 

It's the time of the season where singles will think pitiful thoughts of themselves.

Forever alone. 

Nahhh.. I don't really care anyway.

Or I think I don't care.

Yes, I don't care. *flips hair*

Because..

My mom actually thought I was worried about being single on Valentines Day. She told me: "Girl ah, it's okay to be single on Valentines Day. No need to worry ah.." I was like.. >_> Wuutt?

So that sort of sums up my day. 

Cheers to being single! <3 

xoxo

This Made My Day

Do you know your HYMNS... ?
A good reflection... !!!

The Dentist's Hymn - Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn - There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn - The Church is One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn - Holy, Holy,Holy

The Golfer's Hymn - There is a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn -  Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist' s Hymn - Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn -  I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn - Pass It On

The Electrician' s Hymn - Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn - Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor's Hymn - I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn -  He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn - The Great Physician 

 
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

45mph....... ......... .... God Will Take Care of You
65mph....... ......... .... Nearer My God To Thee
85mph....... ......... .... This World Is Not My Home
95mph....... ......... .... Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph.... ............ .. Take My Hand Precious Lord
120mph.................... Beyond the Sunset
150mph.................... The Master Has Called

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And share it ........

Amen

xoxo

Breakeven

Tomorrow's the end of holidays. Darn.. 

Wasn't exactly a happy day.. today. 

Was constantly in a foul mood. No idea why. Stupid mood swings. 

Had too much to think. 

I think I need some 9gag. (Y)

There, now don't you feel better? *talks to self*

Yea', kinda. 

xoxo

Burned Out

Activity packed days are one of my favourite days. 

& coincidentally today's one of those days. 

Never a dull moment, that's what I like. 

There's no time to think of what if's and what how's. 

As usual, a typical Sunday.. turn out to be quite entertaining.

Went for a lunch/movie date with mah church buddies to do some catching up on each other. You know chit chat. Haha.

It was 5 something in the evening when I reached home. Took a bath. Mom said we were going out for dinner with my cousins. It was one of my cousin's birthday. Got changed. Walked out the front gate..

My dog ran away. ._. I had to chase her back. Wearing flats and my hair was wet. I just bathed. Pro leh.. 

Anyways, dinner was cool. Had too much to eat. Had too much to drink (tea). 

G'nights world. 

xoxo

*yawns*

Febuary the 4th

10 more days till Valentines Day (random).

I've started writing poems. 

Literature teacher wanted a poem from each of the student. 

It's all crap though, the poem. 

Not really used to the style yet. 

I wrote a poem for her birthday, it's in a few days. Kinda excited for it. 

Am not sure what to get her so I wrote a poem instead. 

Hopefully she doesn't think it's too cliche. 

xoxo

Must Reads; Must Watchs

This is a must read. The forth cycle of the 'Eragon' series. Left me breathless.

And that is a must watch - 'Autumn's Concerto'.

Trust me, both are GOOD. Very. 

Both made me cry like nobodies business. 

>_>

Uh huh.. 

So go read/watch it. (Y)

xoxo

Are You Ready?

Not really.

I'm going back to my dad's hometown tomorrow. Noooooo.. *weeps* :(

Am totally expecting boredom and nothing more. 

No Internet. How am I gonna live? Die. 

It's the Chinese New Year again. Or soon. 

More food means more calories. Diet? I don't think I can tahan though. The irresistible food.

How can you say no to THIS? ._.

I can't wait for this..

xD

xoxo

Posting & What Nots

I came home from school in a bad mood.

Slammed the front door shut.

Dumped my hideous school bag on the floor.

Ate my lunch in silenced.

It was 3 something when I had my lunch.

Went for 3 separate club meetings. Chinese/English society & choir. 

I didn't get the post I wanted for in Chinese society. 

It was a kinda flashback moment for me when the teacher announced I was only gonna "upgrade" to the senior secretary post. Reminded me of the time when I was still serving as a prefect and I wasn't elected to hold any post when all my other friends did. The reason was because I was incompetent. It was horrible. I felt horrible. 

What made everything worse was the fact that.. That girl got the pengerusi post. She too "upgraded" from last year's assistant pengerusi. 

It wasn't by vote that she got the post but by teacher's choice. If not I would've won. 

Worked hard for 4 years for that society and what do I get in return. A job I swore I wouldn't ever do in my whole life. Last year, I said to myself if I was to get secretary post again, I would quit the society. But I don't think I can now. FML. 

I told my mom. I told her I regretted being her dog, follower & shadow for so long. No one will notice me with her around. I should've join some other clubs when I had the chance. Get away from her. Ugh.. 

Mom said I was stupid. I was forced to agree.

Am gonna be extra active this year.

Joining JU, school magazine team. English department. :)

Heading prom too, me. It's a big headache now though. People aren't listening to me, they're talking. & I'm worried about the funds. Ahhh whatever..

xoxo

I Have Died Everyday Waiting for You

xoxo

School: Week 1

I survived the first week. Not a pengawas.

It was pretty funny on the first day. Everyone swarmed around me just to ask why wasn't I wearing my pengawas clothes anymore. Oh quit giving me the face, I feel okay. I just shrug and told them I got fired. They shut up after that. Hah. But some asked why. I told them I didn't know.

Other than being normal again, the day went out quite well. I got elected as class monitor. I DON'T KNOW WHY. 

Ha ha ha. 

I'm still having the same English, Chemistry, Add Maths and Moral teachers. The rest were changed. Though I'm liking the change in BM teachers, I didn't quite like that they used another teacher as our History teacher instead of Encik Baha.

The second day and the third day were much more studying than talking. But it's expected since we're form 5. The seniors. Ahhh.. Sounds old. I remember that same exact feeling when I was in Std.6. The big sister of the school. *deep breaths*

The minor changes are only my brother entering form 1. I do not appreciate it that everybody's calling him cute-r than me.

No fair!! :(


Our headmistress is another malay woman. And the assistant is Taman Sea's ex-headmaster, Mr.Alan Yong. Hopefully he'll help run the school well. *prays & hopes* Let's pray that he'll say yes to prom.

xoxo

School is Starting Tomorrow..

HOMG!!!

xoxo